Two Months of Re-Learning

Reminding myself what really matters.

Dear Letter Drop readers,

It’s been a while. How have you all been? It was freezing cold when I was writing my Substack post about taking a short break, but now it’s warm and sunny out!

I have been away since the end of February. Many things happened. First, I went through my visa renewal process. Although it’s common among NYC creatives to hold a work visa, the process just never gets easier. Due to the increase in the filing fee, and despite the job market being quite terrible lately, I had to prepare all the necessary documents quickly in just a month. I had no choice but to put my work and all my art stuff aside during this time.

It’s exhausting to think about visas. The irony of requiring a visa to reach my career and life goals, but needing to put aside my goals just for the visa is yet hard to accept. Well…what else could I do? My answer was always to keep the gate wide open first so I could decide whether to walk in or remain where I was standing—it is what acquiring the visa would do for me.

Waiting by Cindy Kang

Long story short: I have been busy figuring out the visa and the next steps of my career for the past two months. The entire visa process is filled with self-doubts, self-criticism, self-hatred, hopelessness, anxiety, guilt, regrets, and sleepless nights. I had to compile several hundred pages of evidence to show how great of an illustrator I am, which felt like dumping a carton of oil on the already existing fire in me called imposter syndrome. It was difficult, however, a very strange, positive thought came to my mind during this time.

I wanted to use this short break to see myself and my career in perspective. Where exactly am I in my career? Why am I here on the opposite side of the earth from my home and family? What do I aim to achieve in exchange for making compromises for something so important in life? Instead of feeling stressed waiting for things to move forward, I decided to spend some quiet time to re-learn everything about who I am and what in the world I’m doing.

Wish by Cindy Kang

I did have a vivid goal when I first started out, I think. Many things have changed as I grew and spent more time in New York. There are countless choices to make every single day between things that help us feel secure, settled, and healthy vs. things that fulfill our souls and dreams. These made me fall into the trap of compromising… to the point that I couldn’t see where I’d been moving towards.

With the visa involved, making my time here worthwhile felt more important. I couldn’t use any more time just surviving day by day or doing the same thing I can do back home. It was time to get back on track and head in the direction I wanted.

I wanted to remind myself why I was here, what I wanted to achieve, what kind of person and artist I dreamed of becoming, what story I wanted to share with art, what I valued, and what I needed.

Goals ‘24

It was like spring cleaning. I wrote down the things I love, want, and need, the topics and themes that inspire me to feel something special. Although they looked random together, they indeed reflected who I am. These words would lead me to create works that reflect my authentic self.

I put everything other than these words inside an imaginary box inside my head. Lock it, and put it aside. They may be the next priorities, or they are totally fine with being deleted. Past me has added too many cluttered tasks purely out of anxiety and fear, thinking, ‘What if I mess this up? I might need other options, just in case.’

Unnecessary thoughts had to be put away. If these took up too much space in my tiny brain, I wouldn’t have enough space for new ideas—the ones that really matter to me.

Rainy Day Walk by Cindy Kang

It was a perfect time to redo my portfolio. Now that some keywords I want to focus on have become much clearer and my new priorities are set, the portfolio I’ve been using without any complaints suddenly seemed to have many problems to fix. 

The bottom line is that illustrators’ portfolios should only have the work they want to be hired for. Even if you start with that, things happen, and then you end up having a bunch of client work that you don’t feel confident working on again. Not that you haven't enjoyed the collaboration (yet possible), but it might be tough to work on the same topics in the same styles again. You grew as an artist as time went by.

I was fortunate to have had opportunities to build a list of clients and projects I feel proud of and thankful for. However, they differ from what I am satisfied with, love to do, or would like to be known for. Should I keep working on things just because they have worked out in the past? Should I constantly seek out what’s in demand and then supply accordingly?

If I had to constantly keep myself available for a renowned client with a bigger budget or the topics everyone loves to discuss but not necessarily me, I would need to take a detour and return exactly to this point in my life. Once more, I would need a short break to reconnect with my authentic voice.

In the long run, I don’t think chasing after in-demand things would be very beneficial. It’s most important not to exhaust yourself while pursuing your creative endeavors, after all.

Our Journey by Cindy Kang

This past two months, I made up my mind not to get mixed up with priorities. Taking breaks, whether intentional or unintentional, can be difficult. But I’m glad it turned out to be a well-spent time to re-learn many things for myself and my practices. Despite the inevitable compromises, I hope to always remember what all this struggle is for. What I wish to complete and continue to share with others. 

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Just a quick note for the Letter Drop subscribers -

With great excitement, I started my Substack Letter Drop and Sunday Sketchbook a year ago to practice writing and document my work process regularly. I really enjoyed sharing them here until a few months ago when I realized I was rushing for everything just for the uploads. Sometimes, instead of making this platform an enjoyable side project that motivates me, I prioritized it over more important writing projects that required closer attention. It was hard to balance my limited energy and time.

To strengthen the foundation of my practice first so I can share better content and stories, I will focus on my time in the studio and only keep a monthly newsletter on Substack. Career reflections & insights will be uploaded occasionally. Please find me on Instagram @cindysykang and Bluesky @cindysykang for other updates, let’s connect there! I hope you understand this change.

Thank you so much for reading and following my journey filled with ups and downs. More fun news and art to share with you all soon! Hope you all stay happy and healthy, and have a wonderful week ahead! :)

Sincerely,

Cindy